recently

i am feeling
restless.
my heart beats fast.
my mind talks more than ever.
i feel low.
extremely.
i am trying to calm myself down
by taking deep breaths.
i saw a huge rat
on the kitchen platform today.
its tail was about 10 inches long
or more.
i feel depressed.
i feel like crying.
my heart sinks
and my eyes tear.
i scrubbed the entire platform with soap.
i washed all the utensils.
i made sure nothing was left
unattended.

i look around
i see thing unorganised.
i see some dead fly.
i don’t want to sit there anymore.
i want to cuddle up
into my darkness
and go off to sleep.
i need to distract myself.
the thought of the rat is killing me.
that image
is strong and overpowering.
it keeps coming back to my head.
that rat has been roaming around
in the kitchen for the past 17 days now.
that one
and a hundred others.
at least ten more.
i don’t believe this.
i have been eating
from the same plate
the rats might have licked.
i saw a lot of rat shit
in the kitchen in the morning.
it was disgusting.
it gave me goose bumps.
i feel restless
and helpless.
i don’t know how to clean it.
i don’t know how to get rid of the thought.
my head falls into my palms.
it feels heavy.
i cannot focus on anything else
right now.
i need to get out of here.

i need to talk to someone.

someone who would get the way i feel
who would hold me tight and tell me
that it is not such a big deal.